Life’s Stages

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At each stage of my life, I’ve always felt some level of dissatisfaction with myself. My skin wasn’t perfect, my belly not flat enough.

And at each stage I would look back and think why didn’t I know I was pretty? Why wasn’t I happy with myself? 

It wasn’t until my 30s or 40s that I started to appreciate who and what I was knowing that my future self would look back with envy. 

Today I struggle with that.

I feel like a shadow of a human, the form is there, but none of the functionality.  

It’s only when I’m using my mind, giving advice, exercising my expertise that I feel human again. When I can only be heard through my written words. 

When I first decided to start the blog, I struggled with what I wanted to say, what I wanted those of you who read this, to hear. My friend asked me, Why can’t this just be about sharing your voice? Saying to the world, I am here!? I froze with recognition. 

I find it ironic that now this is the only way to be heard, to exercise my voice. 

Experience tells me that this is the best it’s going to get.

And yet…

I hope my future self looks back not with envy, but relief and deliverance.  

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